Some love it. Some hate it. Nobody seems ambivalent. People are really freaked out.

When I see this photograph, I have to admit… it’s quite an impressive thing. That kid is three? How tall is he? He’s huge! Probably got so big from eating too much you know what… I’m only kidding, just pointing out that this picture of a gargantuan toddler standing up to suckle isn’t exactly the most common image of most nursing three year olds.

The photo doesn’t explain that the child depicted here is a trauma survivor who was adopted by this heroic woman who happened to have just given birth to another baby when she got him, so luckily she could nurse him as well which was a great comfort and help to him in his recovery from the stress and fear of his early infancy… No, there’s no explanation about this family. It is obviously intended to be provocative, and it’s hard to argue that it didn’t get the conversation going in a big way. Just in case anyone reading this is wondering, we at Echo Parenting & Education come down firmly on the side of science, as usual. Human milk, like the milk of other mammals, is appropriate for human mothers to feed their young until…

(get ready, drum roll please…)

…uh, until the mother and child are done. Sorry if that was anticlimactic. But we do know that “normal” human weaning – what most humans worldwide do – happens between two and seven years old. That’s older than the average in U.S.,and it’s also a big gap. It doesn’t really answer the question about breastfeeding, and I don’t intend to try to answer it. Yes, breast milk is nutritious for babies. Yes, mothers milk changes over time so toddlers get something different than newborns. Yes, it’s totally NATURAL and not at all inappropriate, and YES, I’m personally all for nursing until baby and mom decide to stop. But I’m also very aware that many mothers have jobs and busy lives, some women have a hard time nursing for a variety of reasons, and there are numerous other factors to consider in each individual family. It’s not up to ME or any other blogger or pundit to tell moms when to nurse or not.

Which brings me to my critique of Time. I have no problem with the photo. I’m not offended or creeped out.

The caption, on the other hand, is troubling. It’s printed in giant red capital letters. “ARE YOU MOM ENOUGH?”

Seriously? Is the implication supposed to be that “extended” breastfeeding (which seems to mean  nursing babies who are older than six months) is the “momliest” way to be? That you have to be a REAL MOTHER to do it, if you know what I mean… If you read the (only slightly) smaller print, that says “Why attachment parenting drives some mothers to extremes,” you begin to get a different sense, something along the lines of “people like this tiny woman in the picture are extremists.” In other words… they’re wacko.

*sigh* Oh, Time. I hope you sold a lot of magazines. It’s a great cover.

I’ll try to sum up. Breastfeeding is wonderful for babies and mothers, and sure, we encourage it. Check out La Leche League for all the reasons to do it and for how to get support when it’s hard. While it is true that mammals normally nurse until adult teeth come in, it’s also true that human societies are complex, and our culture puts pressure on moms to be “mom enough” in so many different ways.

Some potentially conflicting messages for mothers:

I can definitely own up to my own bias here. I believe that women should be able to make decisions about their bodies (eat your heart out, Time, we’re provocative too). My great hope is that decisions about raising children should be informed by as much information as is available. I think that attachment parenting – as expounded by Dr. Sears – with its extended breastfeeding, baby wearing, and co-sleeping, is a fabulous thing for families who have the resources to do it. For those whose circumstances prevent extended breastfeeding or any of the other methods we promote, I think we owe those families our support and love too. Let’s try to put aside our judgement and offer ALL families unconditional support.

Yours,
Brian Joseph
Director of Teaching

While both women and men are expected to take care of the  family unit on their own —  for men — well, from a young age we hear to “Do it yourself” and that independence, competition (winning) and toughness are highly valued.  So it’s sometimes difficult for men (and there fore Dads) to find ways to be interdependent, cooperative and rely on other men for support without feeling overly vulnerable.  Paul Kivel talks about it as the “Act Like A Man” box (there is a different box for women as well).

It’s a cultural trap for men (and women) that we at Echo Parenting and Education are hoping to help folks think more about — how can we hold  men, fathers and their families close and support them to step outside the box, to live outside the box?  It would be a personal, cultural and political shift that we would make — we hope to find out.

And we want you join us.

Start easy by coming on our to our Dads and Kids Park Day this Saturday (12-3) and then take it further at our Father’s Retreat (June 16 – 9-4) .  Paul will also be speaking on June 15 “Men 101 — An introduction to Men to Justice and Love for All Genders”.

We’ll also be having more social events throughout the Summer and I’d love to know that you’ll be attending either event so email me (bwright@echoparenting.org)  Looking forward to seeing you!

One of the best ways to stay connected with your kid(s) is to find some time in your week to play with them.  Whatever THEY want to play, however THEY want to play.  Of course you need to make it a safe as possible, while also giving them the chance to play hard.  I mean — at the sweat dripping, red-faced, I-need-a-water-break kind of play level.

We’re having an opportunity for us to get together and play at Elysian Park on Saturday, May 19th from 12-3.  Check our website for more information.

We hope to see you there!

Anger Series in Spanish | Mayo de 8, 15 y 226:30pm—8:30pm
Anger in English | May 17th, 24the & June 7th,6:30pm—8:30pm
Dads & Kids Park Day | Saturday, May 19 12-3 in Elysian Park
Roots of Connection Event in Hermosa Beach | Thursday, May 31 (6:30-8:30)
Tema Especial – Estableciendo LIMITES | Martes, 29 de Mayo (7:00pm – 9:00pm) en Español
Tuesday Parenting Classes | Tues, June 5 – August 7  (Spanish & English)
Family Mental Health Providers Training | Friday, June 8 (9am – 4pm)

Saturday Parenting Classes | June 9 – August 11 (Spanish & English)
Weekend Intensive in Echo Park | Saturday, June 9 & Sunday, June 10
Father’s Retreat in Highland Park | Saturday, June 16 9-3 in Highland Park

We have more programs starting soon.  We’ll keep you posted!

Sitting here at my desk, post-coffee, I’m willing to admit that I actually am sometimes. And yet, the word stung. There I was, up at the crack of dawn, packing his lunch, sorting the laundry, changing diapers, cooking breakfast, getting him and his siblings prepared for the day, and his greeting to me was an insult. I stayed calm, but on the inside, I fumed.

Not cool, kid. Don’t start with me this morning.

He also hit his brother, threw toys, yelled at his baby sister, woke up my wife, refused to brush his teeth, complained about breakfast, and was slow to put his shoes on. I tried to coach myself to chill out, but the inner voices were getting louder.

He’s obviously a sociopath. Maybe there’s a reform school or boot camp that can fix him. I would have NEVER done this stuff with MY parents. This nonviolence stuff just makes bratty, spoiled kids!

Ok, I don’t actually think he’s a sociopath. And I certainly haven’t given up on nonviolence. But in the heat of moments like these, it’s tempting to focus in on the kid’s “bad behavior.” He’s doing stuff that he shouldn’t do. He’s crossing some boundaries, and it’s really not ok. He’s disobedient, non-compliant, and… you know, badly behaved.

Making an effort to look at a situation like this one using the Echo Approach doesn’t mean that his behaviors are acceptable. This isn’t a permissive style of parenting. But if I focus on just trying to change the “bad behavior,” I’m likely to use methods I’ll regret later. Methods that will be disconnecting.

Here’s the Echo reframe on “bad behavior.” All behaviors are strategies for trying to meet needs. No, he’s not using acceptable strategies. But if I can see these things as an attempt to meet some needs, then I can approach him with curiosity. Why is he doing this stuff? What’s underneath his actions? The message for my son is that his feelings and needs are totally legitimate, even if his strategies are not okay.

I’m happy to report that this morning, I kept my cool and got curious. I began to do the mapping process of wondering why he’s struggling this morning. Hmm… Well, yesterday he began taking the state standardized tests at school (see Alfie Kohn’s great articles about why these kind of tests are detrimental – but I digress…). He’s in 2nd grade and it’s the first time he’s ever taken tests. He’s been nervous and stressed about it, and there’s more testing today. Has he been getting enough sleep? He’s been restless in the night, and the research is clear about the effects of sleep deprivation. What else has been going on in his life? There have been a few stressful things happening in our house the last couple of weeks… school, work, family… hmm… oh yeah, there’s a new baby at our house…

I didn’t have it all figured out, but I was able to see him as the awesome little guy he is, just with kind of crappy strategies. I was able to hold limits this morning with compassion. It went something like this:

 

HIM: You’re stupid!

ME: Hey! That’s…

I breathed. I paused, and tried to calm down before I went down the low road.

ME: What’s up? You seem really upset.

HIM: Shut up! You don’t care about me at all!

Ugh. Big huge feelings. Dysregulation. He seemed really tired and clearly frustrated. I didn’t give up, but it seemed like a really bad time to try to engage. I took another intentional breath.

ME: I made you some eggs and toast.

Five minutes passed. We ate a little, and then I tried again.

ME: Pretty frustrated this morning, huh?

HIM: It’s not fair. You give all the attention to the baby and you don’t even care about me.

ME: Wow, that sounds awful! I didn’t know you felt that. I was taking care of her this morning, and not you. But of course you really need attention too…

The problems weren’t solved. But I gave him empathy, he eventually felt understood, and then I was able to talk about my feelings about being called stupid, hitting his brother, and all of the other limits. Did I make the “bad behavior” go away? Not exactly, but we both felt connected at the end of our exchange. There was mutual respect, and it’s my belief that people who feel respected and understood are more likely to cooperate than those who don’t. Will it happen again? Yes, I’m sure it will. And when it does, I hope I’ll have the patience and presence of mind to be curious about why he chooses the strategies he chooses. If I can accomplish that, then I can model the kind of strategies that I hope he’ll use later when he encounters a stressful or frustrating situation.

So, “putting an end to bad behavior” means looking at it a different way – as strategies for meeting needs. If I can see it that way, I’m much more likely to awaken my creativity about how to get through the tough moments.

Yours,

Brian Joseph
Director of Teaching

You might be surprised by what he’s saying.

– spoiler alert–
It’s NOT that spanking is OK, but a call have empathy for those who are doing the spanking as well as for those being spanked.
– end of spoiler alert!! –

This really speaks to the isolation, exhaustion and lack of true material support for parenting. It is challenging work and, unfortunately, none of us get enough resources — especially if we’re doing things differently than was done for us…

Here’s the video:

Give it a look and let us know what you think in our comments, on facebook or on youtube.

Thanks!
Echo Parenting and Education

We wanted to say thank you to all those who helped make this year’s Festival of Childhood such a success!  We had a great day of arts & crafts, performance and community.  Check out some pictures from the day here.

Also feel free to send us your pictures, videos and thoughts about this great event (we will totally link to them!)  We’d really love to get your feedback — feel free to leave us a comment about what you loved, what was hard and what you’d like to see at next year’s Festival of Childhood!

Azucena Ortiz (Echo Parenting and Education’s Festival Organizer) wanted to give special thanks to all those who helped make this event so amazing!

The organizing committee: Tina Bluchand, Sarah Cole, Emmanuel Torres and all of Echo Parenting and Education’s staff and board members.

Our great performers: Chipetoté, Capoeira Brasil, Bob Baker Marionettes, Gabriella Charter School & Everybody Dance, Eco Hero Kids & We3,  Aqquarela, Birdie’s Playhouse and the Tierra Blanca Arts Center.

Those that were able to donate food, materials and other essentials for the Festival: Armstrong Garden Center, Panera Bread, The Corner Bakery, Phillipes, Two Boots Pizza, Masa of Echo Park, Subway Echo Park, Fix Coffee, Melissa’s Produce, and the Downbeat Cafe.

Also: Heal the Bay, Children’s Nature Institute and the MANY, MANY other wonderful groups, agencies and volunteers that made the booths come alive — we truly couldn’t have done it with out you!

Director of Programming Brian Joseph talks about making a commitment to modeling empathetic relationships and connected communication with other parents in your life.

Let us know what you think in our comments, on Facebook or Youtube.

Also we’d love to hear your experiences with co-parenting or answer parenting questions you’d like to know more about in future video blogs.

Festival of Childhood | Saturday, April 28 (1pm-5pm)
An event not to be missed! FREE street fair — with arts and crafts, children’s activities, music, dance and community. Come join the fun with the Echo Parenting and Education family.
>> click here for more information

Weekend Intensive // Fin de Semana Intensivo
In this twelve hour intensive you’ll experience a new paradigm for raising children.  We’ll introduce a philosophy and practice of  raising children based on the latest research about child development, attachment theory, interpersonal neurobiology and more.
>> June 9th and 10th, 2012 (9am – 4pm) — ENGLISH

>> 19 y 20 de Mayo de 2012 (9am-4pm) — ESPAÑOL)
En este intensivo de doce horasvamos a introducir unafilosofía y práctica de lacrianza de hijos basándose enlas últimas investigacionessobre el desarrollo infantil, lateoría del apego, la neurobiologíainterpersonal y muchomás.

Anger Master Class // Serie del enojo
Every parent and every child has experienced deep feelings of frustration and anger. In these three sessions, we will examine the roots of anger and strategize about how to help children (and adults!) safely navigate these feelings.
>> May 17th, 24the & June 7th, 6:30pm—8:30pm — ENGLISH

>> Mayo de 8, 15 y 22 | 6:30pm—8:30pm — ESPAÑOL
Cada padre y cada niño ha experimentado profundos sentimientos de frustración y enojo. En estas tres sesiones, vamos a examinar las raíces del enojo y a buscar estrategias para ayudar a los niños (y a noso-tros mismos como adultos) a procesar con seguridad estos sentimientos.

Family Mental Health Provider Training >> Friday, June 8th, 9am to 4pm
Understanding the the myriad challenges that families are facing helps professionals provide effective and meaningful support. Based on the research about attachment theory, interpersonal neurobiology, trauma informed care and social and emotional intelligence — this workshop lead by Ruth Beaglehole, M.A and Stephanie Blank, L.C.S.W. will introduce mental health professionals to a new paradigm for assessment, diagnosis and treatment of children and families.
>> click here for more information