Echo Parenting & Education

The Perfect Parent

Gayathri — Thu, 09 Feb 2012 17:29:15 +0000

I can see her from across the school parking lot, laughing and tossing her exquisitely coiffed hair as she unloads her well-adjusted, joyful kids from the car. She has a seemingly endless supply of energy and enthusiasm, and she’s bending down now to give her child emotional support. She always does this, I can tell. She’s so naturally kind and generous! She never yells or threatens her children, she exudes empathy and connection a hundred per cent of the time, and they float into the school on a little happy cloud of warmth and intimacy. Wow. She’s a really good dresser too.

That’s not all, of course. Mrs. Perfect also maintains a fabulous relationship with her gorgeous, chiseled husband, Mr. Perfect! Not only does he always agree with her superlative parenting choices, but he is supportive and kind, helping her at every turn, washing dishes, changing diapers, giving massages with delight and a kind of almost fervor that seems to say there’s no place in the world he’d rather be. Ever. He looks great in a tight t-shirt. They’re so in love with each other, you can tell. They never argue or disagree. They’re so thoughtful and understanding. They have really good sex. And they love their children so much! It’s obvious that nothing in the world gives them more pleasure than taking care of their family. Their kids are so willing to comply with everything that is asked of them because, well, mom and dad are just so great.

*sigh*

I know. That’s goofy. Of course there is no parent like that. But I didn’t entirely invent this ridiculous scenario. I really did observe a mother in the parking lot this morning helping her kids get to class. She was poised, calm and supportive when her kindergardener cried about something. She really did smile and laugh. She really does seem to enjoy her life. My morning seemed tougher than hers. She looked like she had it all together.

In the parenting classes I teach, mothers and fathers sometimes describe observing other parents “doing it right” or “making it look easy.” It’s easy to assume that those parents have less stress, had better childhoods, are more “naturally inclined” towards parenting… that they’re “perfect” parents. So many parents I meet are trying to hold themselves up to a fantasy idea of perfection that is unrealistic at best.

The joy of raising children diminishes when we are tired, hungry, emotionally exhausted. Tension and anxiety in other areas of life can make the process of coping with our children’s daily challenges seem overwhelming. Add to that the complexity of how our own childhood experiences have impacted the ways that we manage stress, and we begin to get a glimpse of the reality of parenting. And for those who are raising children with a partner… it can be painful to acknowledge that our adult relationships can sometimes making parenting harder! Yikes.

Ask an anthropologist, and you’ll quickly learn that humans are not meant to raise children alone, or even in couples. Historically, it’s groups of adults who successfully raise their young. In modern culture, when human parents lack social support, they often resort to hurtful methods. Why? Usually, it’s because they learned those methods as children. And those moments when children get hurt? It’s most often when parents are fatigued, depleted, have reached the end of their rope.

So Mrs. Perfect really isn’t. But there is something I can learn from watching her skillfully navigate the parking lot this morning. She seems rested this morning. Probably she had a decent breakfast, maybe she even went to the gym. What can I do for myself to help to prepare me for the challenges of parenting? What can I do when I’m not able to care for myself in the optimal ways? How can I grow my patience?

The Echo Approach to raising kids isn’t about being perfect. Seriously. That’s not the goal. The goal is about building and maintaining long, healthy intimate relationships with our kids. To raise them without physical and emotional punishment, free from coercion, shame and manipulation. Will we screw up sometimes? Yup. Will things get hard? You bet. But when we inevitably encounter difficult moments, our great hope can be that we will be able to slow ourselves down a bit to be models for our kids. How do healthy adults handle stressful situations? None of us will be perfect. But we can make a commitment to our own growth. We can try to be intentional about the things we do and say. Like anything, the more we practice, the more adept we become. And that long term commitment is… well, perfect for parenting.

Perfectly yours,

Brian Joseph
Director of Programming

What did you think of the Alfie Kohn talk?

Echo Parenting & Education — Thu, 02 Feb 2012 00:56:38 +0000

Let us know what you thought of the first Parenting Matters Lecture with Alfie Kohn. Thanks!

Alfie Kohn: My Hero – An Excerpt from Jennifer Lehr

Gayathri — Thu, 19 Jan 2012 22:10:17 +0000

…During the second part of the talk he laid out eight guidelines of Work With Parenting.

Before listing and describing them, Kohn explained that he wasn’t there to tell us what to do or say to your kids. He doesn’t know us and he doesn’t know our kids. It would be as presumptuous as it would be preposterous. Parenting is all about knowing your child. Observing them. And your relationship with them. How can you tell someone you don’t know what to say to someone you’ve never met? So, instead, he offered guidelines of how to work with your kids.

The guidelines are his. The commentary is my own.

ALFIE KOHN’S 8 GUIDELINES FOR “WORK WITH” PARENTING

1) RECONSIDER YOUR REQUEST

If your kid doesn’t just up and do what you want him to do, or is putting up a fight (as in trying to stick up for themselves), did you really ask something reasonable?

2) PUT RELATIONSHIP FIRST

Is it really worth eroding your relationship with your kids (or their own relationship with their hypothalamus) to get them to not have a second cupcake?

3) TRY TO TAKE YOUR KID’S POV

I think this quote from to Kill a Mocking Bird captures some of what he meant:

“You never really understand a person until you consider things from his point of view […] until you climb into his skin and walk around in it.”

You may not feel hot and sweaty in a jacket, but can you imagine that your child who isn’t putting it on when you asked, might? Perhaps he’s been playing for an hour while you’ve been sitting in the shade.

Or…

Can you imagine how it might feel to be three years old and to show up at a birthday party at a big gymnasium and be told to go jump on the trampoline with your hands in the air and follow the leader on obstacle course over balance bars and swinging ropes? And then when you cling to your mother and shake your head no and find that she’s not the warm refuge you were looking for but is instead pushing your out there? After all, all the other kids are doing it. Ask: What is your kid seeing and feeling? Personally, I want my kids to be cautious when it comes to potentially new, scary overwhelming and dangerous situations. Honor it. (For example!)

4) THE MESSAGE THEY NEED IS THAT WE LOVE THEM UNCONDITIONALLY

How do we communicate this? It’s not enough to feel like we love the unconditionally. They need to feel it too.

You don’t want your kid feeling that they’re more loved when then get an A or win a game or share a toy or do as they are told or kiss grandma. Conversely you don’t want them feeling like they are unworthy of your love if they’ve messed up. They are always loveable.

5) BE REAL

Be authentic. Let them know you are vulnerable. That you make mistakes. If you made a mistake, apologize. If you are frustrated, tell them. You don’t have to scream about it! If you’re disappointed or sad, be disappointed or sad. All emotions are valid, why wouldn’t we want our children to see us vulnerable and human? It will make your closer.

6) TALK LESS, ASK MORE

Listen to them. Elicit information. Great parenting is a function of being a great listener.

7) ATTRIBUTE KID’S BEHAVIOR TO THE BEST POSSIBLE MOTIVE

You don’t need to think they did something nice because they were trying to manipulate you or to get something. Think the best of your kid.

8) GIVE KIDS MORE SAY, LET THEM MAKE MORE CHOICES.

And he means real choices. Not: “Do you want a red cup or a blue one?”

OKAY MY WORLD IS ROCKED. I’M OVERWHELMED, NOW WHAT?

A mother who had clearly been deeply affected by Kohn’s talk said, “My child is older. I’ve made mistakes! Where do I start?”

Kohn answered by saying that he’d just be honest.

“Honey, I went to hear a parenting expert talk last night and I realized that so many of the things that I’ve been doing that I thought were helping you, actually aren’t. I have a new perspective. Over time, I’d like to talk to you about these things. I’d like to hear your point of view. I want to work with you.”

Starting an authentic dialogue is important. And apologizing for mistreating your child is too.

There are so many ways I can imagine to help oneself become a Work With parent. Certainly it is a challenge. But I’ve found that with practice it does get easier (though I wouldn’t say easy!). Here are some ideas -

- Go directly to alfiekohn.com.

- Take a parenting class from Echo Parenting & Education

- Bring the film Race to Nowhere to your community.

- Print Kohn’s 8 guidelines and put them on your refrigerator. Read daily.

- Create your own support group of like-mindedish parents and bring in material to discuss weekly. Places to start gathering material:

- alfiekohn.com

- rickackerly.com

- goodjobandotherthings.com

- ahaparenting.com

I know I’ve left out so much. If you went to the talks, please share!

Best,

Jennifer

Spanking Debate Strikes Out

Gayathri — Sat, 07 Jan 2012 17:41:17 +0000

No, you shouldn’t. Yes, you should.

First newsletter of the new year, and here we go again, debating spanking. The Los Angeles Times printed this article just over a week ago, and then some letters of response, including one by Barbara Schwarz, a graduate of our Parent Educator Certification Program (go Barbara!)

If you’re a regular reader of this newsletter, you already know our position. We agree with the research showing that spanking is harmful to kids. And as Murray Strauss says in the L.A. Times debate, “If you were to list all the things a parent wouldn’t want their kid to be doing, you’d have the list of the harmful side effects of spanking.” A ton of accepted scientific research behind that kind of sentiment is what has lead 31 countries so far to ban corporal punishment of children. We teach that it’s possible to have and hold limits without hurting kids physically or emotionally.

I understand why some people have a different view. There’s a legacy in our history that is undeniable. Eighteen states still allow paddling in schools. Many parents were spanked when they were children, and up to 90% of parents in the United States spank their kids now, at least occasionally. Maybe all of that doesn’t have any relationship to the fact that we have the worst child abuse record in the industrialized world. Maybe it does. But hello. Ninety per cent. That’s almost everyone. Makes sense that we would try to not only justify our tactics, but glorify them.

Perhaps I’m biased. I also think that there is such a thing as global warming. I believe that some of the stories about the Easter Bunny might be a bit exaggerated. I could go on, but I won’t. I’m not actually going to debate spanking here, because there’s a serious problem with the debate itself.

The yes-you-should-no-you-shouldn’t argument sets up a contrived sense that the conversation about raising kids hinges on how to “discipline” them. In other words, we’re supposed to believe that controlling our children’s behavior is the goal of parenting, and then we can fight about what the right way is to do it. It’s a false dichotomy. The good way versus the bad way. It’s polarizing, and everyone in the debate seems to stop caring about anyone else’s ideas. I’ll admit that I know about this because I often participate. Spanking is wrong, now I’m no longer listening to you.

There’s something important missing in this binary argument. What if the whole paradigm is wrong? What if raising children isn’t really about “discipline” at all, but rather self-discipline, modeling for our kids how to teach, how to stay calm under stress? What if behavior is just a way of communicating needs, and we can teach things like respect, tolerance, kindness, etc. through connection and compassion? That might sound crazy, but then again, the science is pretty darn clear.

Sometimes people are surprised to hear that we have empathy for parents who spank. We have compassion and understanding even for parents who commit terrible abuses against their children. We don’t condone their actions, but we can certainly understand how frustration and dysregulation can lead us to hurt others. We know that parents and children alike are acting out of their best intentions, and using their best strategies to try to meet needs. Even if you’ve never hit your children, you’ve likely done or said something that you regretted. Think about a moment when you “lost it” with your kids. It’s so easy to cross the lines, wherever they are drawn.

The spanking debate should never be a yes/no conversation. We can begin with trying to understand what motivates our actions as parents. What did we learn when we were children? All parents bring elements of their own childhoods forward into their parenting now. Are we making careful, mindful choices about how to help our kids through difficult moments, or are we acting impulsively, maybe lashing out in anger?

Yes, I admit that I have a strong opinion. I do think that it’s wrong to hit people. I hope that parents will try to learn new strategies for coping with their frustrations so that the practice of spanking can end. But I also think it’s wrong to simply condemn parents who spank without making an effort to understand them. The philosophy and practice of nonviolence in parenting promotes connection. We don’t just judge behavior and go to war about it. The argument about spanking needs to become a thoughtful, honest conversation about strategies, history and love.

It’s possible to become very intentional about how we raise our kids. Imagine if everything we did with our kids was on purpose! We all feel anger and frustration sometimes. How do we express it? This year, we all have an opportunity to continue the journey of nonviolence in parenting. To stay connected to our children in times of struggle, and to be kind and loving with ourselves when we do things we might regret. We need to struggle, grow and learn, so that a year from now, when we look back at 2012 and reflect on our parenting, along with the regrets, the pride, fear, joy… we’ll have hope. Our kids are learning from us how to be parents. Let’s teach them how to do it well.

Yours,

Brian Joseph,

Director of Programming

Holiday Stress

Gayathri — Wed, 14 Dec 2011 22:04:25 +0000

I’m not the first to suggest that the holiday season might produce, for some people, a teeny weeny little bit of stress. Shopping, cooking, eating, parties, activities, crowds, school vacations, financial stress, etc. Fortunately, this time of year also presents many opportunities to get together with family. Yay! Family! That’ll be so very soothing for any holiday stress.

Family. You know. Bonding and stuff.

*sigh*

The truth of the matter is that it isn’t always easy to gather with family, and it makes sense that along with the joys that come with celebrations, we may also feel a sense of trepidation as we get nearer to winter break. Year after year, we hear from our participants about significant stress related to spending time with relatives. Our families have our whole history embedded in them, and as much as they may hold fond memories, love, and a place for various kinds of support, they may also hold a history of conflict and complexity.

When we get together with our families of origin, we often fall into old patterns from when we were much younger. Have you felt yourself pulled back into an old role that no longer reflects who you are? Does tension arise? Arguments? Discomfort? Do you like who you are when you’re with your family of origin?

This holiday season, I invite you to try to observe yourself. Notice if you are drawn toward an old pattern of behavior. Pay attention to your feelings. Are you responding to actual things occurring in the moment, or are you re-stimulated into an old feeling?

Compounding all of this for many who are reading this article is the fact that they have decided to see the complex act of raising their own children through the lens of nonviolence. Let me just translate that for folks at the family holiday party: these people are wackos who don’t punish or reward their children. What, do they think they’re better than us?

Perhaps that’s an exaggeration. But I think it’s safe to say that for some parents, their family of origin may be confused or upset by the nonviolent parenting they observe at a family gathering. Judgements may arise. Grandparents, siblings and others may feel guilt or frustration about the way they parented when they were younger. Everyone can get defensive in such a moment. It’s hard to stay in a nonjudgemental place.

Can we relieve holiday stress by shopping less, getting rest, and limiting activities? Yes, probably. There are lots of ways that we can take better care of ourselves. We can acknowledge that stress happens and we can make good preparations for the conflict and tension that may arise at family gatherings.

How we survive stressful situations comes back to the basic tools. Slow down, breathe, get regulated. Make observations that are free of judgement. Stay curious. Be kind.

Happy holidays. May they be full of ease and peace.

-Brian Joseph,
Director of Programming

Dead Cats: Curiosity and Raising Kids

Gayathri — Sat, 03 Dec 2011 21:27:31 +0000

Most people stop looking when they find the proverbial needle in the haystack. I would continue looking to see if there were other needles.

-Albert Einstein

Today my five year old son wanted chocolate for breakfast. If I had given it to him, I’ll admit that it wouldn’t have been the first time. But we’ve had lots of that kind of stuff over the holiday and I really wanted to get his day started with a bit of nutrition. Not only that, the chocolate in question was not accessible, and would require waking our houseguest. The answer was no.

He came unglued.

I know that’s not the Echo Parenting & Education way to say it. He was overwhelmed, dysregulated, flooded with big feelings, etc. But it sure felt like “unglued.” Whatever flimsy adhesive that ordinarily holds him loosely together came unstuck, and all of his parts fell off. There he was on the floor in a confusing heap of howling wires and bolts, and I set about trying to put him back together.

Not wanting to become a dead cat, I did not risk being curious.

I appealed to his reason, and explained why I wasn’t giving it to him. His screaming got louder and a few more parts of his engine popped off.

I tried to give him empathy about the delicious, mouth-watering wonderfulness that he wasn’t going to be allowed to eat. Louder still. Impressively loud. I wondered if the neighbors were listening.

By now, it was past time to take him and his brother to school. I was feeling frustrated and helpless, and my own tired fragile glue did not seem particularly sticky. In fact, I was beginning to lose patience. Chocolate for breakfast? No way, dude. I was right and I knew it. Darn kids. Do you have to be so loud?! I struggled to get him into the car, and finally managed. He continued to scream. His brother tried to comfort him, but to no avail. On the freeway, he took off his seat belt. We pulled over.

Not wanting to yell at him, I got out of the car, and sat for a minute on the curb. There I was, so-called parenting “expert” sitting in the gutter, upset and defeated, fuming, with a screaming child in the car. And then it happened. Finally, long after I wish I had done it, I became curious. What in the world was going on?

Before I relate the rest of the story, I just want to say that the single little moment of curiosity that occurred was an epiphany. It was actually the solution. It didn’t solve anything, but it changed my whole outlook on the world. Being curious about any difficult situation is key to the Echo Approach. It’s not just about parenting young children, it applies to any situation with teens, spouses, co-workers, anyone. Slowing myself down and just trying to authentically wonder about why something is occurring, without judgement, is very often enough to get me through a hard moment.

I began with self-empathy. Wow. This sucks. I can’t believe this is happening. It would be so much easier if I just had a little help…

That was a jolt. Of course! My partner is out of town, and I’ve been on my own with the boys for several days. I couldn’t believe that I hadn’t even thought about it until that moment! That led me quickly to curiosity about why this breakfast thing was so hard for my son. It’s not about the chocolate. Of course it’s not! No wonder his big feelings seemed so out of proportion! Mommy isn’t here. Things are really different than usual. I was ready to let him know that I had remembered that, but when I opened the door of the car, he just collapsed, sobbing into my arms.

We spent about two minutes there by the side of the road just hugging and calming down. I stopped trying to change his mind and take away his feelings. When he was quieter, I murmured to him that it’s hard when mommy’s not home. That started him crying again, but in a quieter way. He burrowed into my chest.

We got to school a few minutes late. Not such a big deal in the grand scheme of things. He didn’t want me to leave. I took a bit of extra time saying goodbye. Later, I’ll pick him up from school and maybe we’ll have some chocolate, maybe not. But I’ll take the time to be curious not only about the events of his day, but about the underlying circumstances of his week. I’ll remind myself about the illnesses we’ve had lately, and whether or not we’ve had good snacks and sleep. Maybe it’s not just about mommy being gone. Maybe I won’t figure everything out.

Curiosity isn’t just about trying to relieve my own uncertainty about something, or trying to eliminate my ignorance. I’ll stay curious because it gives me the chance to see the world through his eyes and connect with him. It doesn’t mean that I’ll go along with all of his ideas, it doesn’t mean I’ll agree with him. As Todd Kashdan says in his book, Curious? Discover the Missing Ingredient to a Fulfilling Life, “…curiosity offers a gateway to creating profound intimacy, insights, and meaning in life.” I agree, and when it comes to the people I love, I really don’t want to miss out.

I’m curious about your thoughts, as always. Feel free to chime in on Facebook or respond to this article here.

Yours,

Brian Joseph,
Director of Programming

Couples Co-Parenting Workshop in the South Bay

Echo Parenting & Education — Thu, 24 Nov 2011 00:00:22 +0000

Let’s face it, being a parent puts a lot of stress on our relationships. We manage to make it through a challenging moment with our children, and we turn around and scream at our partners. Co-parenting can be a real challenge, especially if we are trying to be conscious about how we raise our children.

This two session workshop for couples will be a chance to:
* Explore the tools of nonviolence as it relates to our partners. How do we treat each other with respect?
* Remember that our relationships are models for our children. What does a healthy relationship looks like?
* Learn ways to handle those stressful parenting moments when we don’t agree with our partner. How do we support each other?

A key component of raising children to become healthy adults is to help them develop skills for successful loving relationships. How are we going to teach them those skills if we haven’t developed this practice for ourselves?

Tuesdays, January 24th and 31st, 2012
7:00pm—9:00pm

Fee: $150 per couple

Location: Private home in Redondo Beach. Directions and more information will be provided upon registration.

Echo Parenting Celebration & Thanksgiving

Gayathri — Fri, 18 Nov 2011 19:50:47 +0000

If you were at the party on Saturday Night, these photos of you look great! If you weren’t there, click and have a vicarious experience of the warm, wonderful event. In the spirit of the season, I’d like to express many thanks to all who attended, bought raffle tickets, volunteered, danced their butts off to DJ Señor Amor, ate and drank, and enjoyed. It was a truly a very special evening. Thanks also to the Echo Parenting & Education Board and Staff members for all that you contributed.

Special thanks are due to a handful of folks. Our generous sponsors who made it possible for us to have the event were Christopher Wilcox and Natural Curiosities, Chef Jennifer Aldridge and Chop Shop Gourmet, Silverlake Wine, 55 Degree Wine, Say Cheese, Village Bakery, Proof Bakery, Cake Pops, Dean & Deanne Dimascio and Impact Production, Mari and Robert Saso and Dupli-Cat Printing, Modern Bite, Kim Pesenti, Ginny Glass, and Eric Garcetti and the staff of the 13th Council District. Thank you all so much for your incredible kindness! Please click their links and support their businesses! We also are so grateful to Jackie Goldberg and Amy Brenneman for fulfilling the emcee duties. They were both so charming and gracious, and they really made the evening feel great. Much gratitude as well goes to the committee who put the event together. This party would not have happened without the hard work of Ginny Glass, Francine Lipsman-Tansey, Isabel Guzman, and Kim Pesenti. Thank you thank you thank you!

This event marked the inauguration of our Echo Parenting & Education Honors. We were privileged to present the first ever Transformational Honor to High School teacher Travis Miller, and the first Visionary Honor to Lynn Kersey of Maternal and Child Health Access. We couldn’t have had more perfect honorees! Travis’ commitment to using the Echo approach in the classroom has shown such dedication his students. His fervent advocacy for teachers is notable as well. And Lynn’s tireless work for women and children is so inspiring. As founder and Executive Director of Maternal and Child Health Access, Lynn has had an impact on so many families, helping them to get the support that is so critical to mothers and children at the beginning of life. Congratulations to Lynn and Travis, and thank you to both for your inspiring work!

If you couldn’t make it to the party, it’s not too late to participate. We can’t do it without you, and every donation makes a difference.

So. I’ve given lots of thanks here, and as President John F. Kennedy said “the highest appreciation is not to just utter words, but to live by them.” I invite you to take out a pen, and spend just a little time to composing a few words of gratitude that you can really live by. Put it up on your refrigerator. If you feel like it, post it up on our FB page. Here are a few of my appreciations.

Thanks to my children, who teach me that every challenging moment is an opportunity for me to model the kind of values I hope to pass along to them. I am so grateful for all the enriching interactions, though many of them were hard.

Thanks to my partner, not for parenting the same as I do, but for parenting together with me.

Thanks for the hardships that led to personal growth and learning. The mistakes, failures and losses made room in my life for important events that I never planned.

Thanks for the tears of sadness and joy. Thanks for the laughter. Thanks for the anger and fear. Thanks for all of the feelings that I was privileged to hear and see expressed. It made my relationships stronger. It helped us all to develop our brains.

And finally, I’d like to appreciate you. Thanks for reading this. Thanks for choosing the tools of nonviolence. Thank you for modeling kindness and generosity in your families and in your communities. Thank you for participating in the work that we do at Echo Parenting & Education.

Gratefully yours,

-Brian Joseph,

Director of Programming

Raising Teens and Tweens Master Class in Echo Park

Azucena — Tue, 15 Nov 2011 22:48:35 +0000

It’s not an easy age to be, teens bodies go through hormonal changes that can be confusing to navigate, and their social environments can be complex as well.

Raising teenagers and preteens can be very challenging. It’s sometimes difficult to give love and support to our kids as they experience this period of development.

This Master class will help parents to better understand their kids, and to strategize about how to stay connected.

NEW DATE

Thursday, February 16th, 2012
6:30 pm. to 8:30 pm.

Class Fee:
$50 per person, $75 per couple. Partial scholarships and payment plans available!

Location:
This class will be held in a private home in Echo Park.

PRINTABLE FLYER

Please contact Azucena Ortiz at 213.484.6676 x.311 or aortiz@echoparenting.org for directions or more information.

Echo Response to Texas Judge’s Beating

Gayathri — Sat, 05 Nov 2011 00:54:31 +0000

By now, you’ve probably heard the uproar about the young disabled woman in Texas who posted the video she secretly took of her father beating her. It’s an incredibly disturbing video of a 16 year old girl being viciously whipped with a belt, reportedly for downloading pirated music on the internet. It’s a frightening and painful thing to watch, and full of irony as well. The man cursing and wielding the belt is family court judge William Adams, who makes decisions in child abuse cases. As you can see in the video, his response when interviewed was “I haven’t done anything wrong,” and he explains that what he was doing was “discipline.”

This is a very upsetting story that has sparked international outrage, and it’s hard to slow myself down long enough to try to understand what happened. Whenever awful stories of abuse are revealed, it’s tempting to just focus on how this family or this person went bad, how this is just an unusual case about some other people’s problems. I could see it as an opportunity to talk about child abuse or parenting classes. I could just moralize about how wrong it is to hit kids.

But when I see this video, I see other things too. I see a complicated person who is hurting someone he loves. He’s a man who thinks that he’s doing the right thing. His ex-wife (who also participated in the beating) has said that he was struggling with addiction. He’s clearly quite angry and not thinking clearly. Before anyone writes me an email complaining that I’m trying to excuse or justify this horrific act, let me assure you that I’m not. This is a brutal act of violence that is inexcusable.

AND.

It does make some sense, doesn’t it?

We’re always telling parents that they should lead with curiosity, so here goes – I wonder what Judge Adams’ childhood was like. I’d be willing to bet that corporal punishment was part of his life. I’d further guess that as a boy growing up in Texas at the time that he did, there was an expectation of fathers to be disciplinarians, and a philosophy of “tough love.” I’m just speculating of course, but most researchers believe that the path to addiction has early beginnings. What pain and unresolved issues were alive for him that day? Was he hurt by people who were supposed to love him? Corporal punishment is legal in all fifty states, and encouraged in many. In our country, it is a parent’s right to hit their children whenever they choose. As I mentioned in my last column, there are more deaths from child abuse in the U.S. – in numbers and percentage – than any other industrialized country in the world! Watching the video, it’s clear to me that serious lines were crossed, but just look around the blogosphere, and you’ll find lots of of folks who disagree. It’s not just a few outliers who think the beating was ok, it’s a huge number of people!

What I’m trying to say is that it’s pretty complex, especially if we think about the judge as an actual person who has a backstory that leads up to the moment on the video. Here’s another way to think it through that connects each of us to the story.

Imagine yourself in your most regrettable parenting moment. A moment that you wouldn’t tell others about readily, if at all. If a hidden camera had captured what you said or did, what would it reveal? Words you wish you could take back? Actions you’d like to undo? How would the international press write about it if you were a family court judge?

Again, no excuse for what Adams did. The fact that his daughter recorded the beating suggests that there was a pattern to the violence and she knew that it was coming. Let’s face it, he looks pretty skilled, he’d likely done it before. But it’s worth taking a good look in the mirror. Even if we haven’t crossed the lines that he did, we’ve been very angry. Even if we didn’t hurt our kids physically, we’ve said something we regretted.

How do we learn from those moments? What can we take away from the media storm about Judge Adams? If you’ve attended our workshops and classes, you’ve heard us talk about how we should strive to be models for our children. When we are kind, they learn kindness. When we have a practice to calm ourselves down in times of stress, they begin to develop those personal practices as well. Here’s a great Australian PSA that shares the message in a very powerful way.

Like Adams, many of us learned parenting methods when we were children that are hurting our kids now. It takes a lot of courage and a lot of work to break the cycle, but we can do it. Each time we stop ourselves from hitting, yelling, threatening etc., is a little moment of healing. Each time we connect with our kids in those hard moments is our way of teaching the next generation of parents how to handle stress.

The outrage about the Judge Adams video will die down, but these kinds of moments are happening every day in every city, and each of us can make a commitment in our own families to find a better way.

Yours,

Brian Joseph,
Director of Programming