Echo Parenting & Education

…During the second part of the talk he laid out eight guidelines of Work With Parenting.

Before listing and describing them, Kohn explained that he wasn’t there to tell us what to do or say to your kids. He doesn’t know us and he doesn’t know our kids. It would be as presumptuous as it would be preposterous. Parenting is all about knowing your child. Observing them. And your relationship with them. How can you tell someone you don’t know what to say to someone you’ve never met? So, instead, he offered guidelines of how to work with your kids.

The guidelines are his. The commentary is my own.

ALFIE KOHN’S 8 GUIDELINES FOR “WORK WITH” PARENTING

1) RECONSIDER YOUR REQUEST

If your kid doesn’t just up and do what you want him to do, or is putting up a fight (as in trying to stick up for themselves), did you really ask something reasonable?

2)  PUT RELATIONSHIP FIRST

Is it really worth eroding your relationship with your kids (or their own relationship with their hypothalamus) to get them to not have a second cupcake?

3) TRY TO TAKE YOUR KID’S POV

I think this quote from to Kill a Mocking Bird captures some of what he meant:

“You never really understand a person until you consider things from his point of view […] until you climb into his skin and walk around in it.”

You may not feel hot and sweaty in a jacket, but can you imagine that your child who isn’t putting it on when you asked, might? Perhaps he’s been playing for an hour while you’ve been sitting in the shade.

Or…

Can you imagine how it might feel to be three years old and to show up at a birthday party at a big gymnasium and be told to go jump on the trampoline with your hands in the air and follow the leader on obstacle course over balance bars and swinging ropes? And then when you cling to your mother and shake your head no and find that she’s not the warm refuge you were looking for but is instead pushing your out there? After all, all the other kids are doing it. Ask: What is your kid seeing and feeling? Personally, I want my kids to be cautious when it comes to potentially new, scary overwhelming and dangerous situations. Honor it. (For example!)

4) THE MESSAGE THEY NEED IS THAT WE LOVE THEM UNCONDITIONALLY

How do we communicate this? It’s not enough to feel like we love the unconditionally. They need to feel it too.

You don’t want your kid feeling that they’re more loved when then get an A or win a game or share a toy or do as they are told or kiss grandma. Conversely you don’t want them feeling like they are unworthy of your love if they’ve messed up. They are always loveable.

5)  BE REAL

Be authentic. Let them know you are vulnerable. That you make mistakes. If you made a mistake, apologize. If you are frustrated, tell them. You don’t have to scream about it! If you’re disappointed or sad, be disappointed or sad. All emotions are valid, why wouldn’t we want our children to see us vulnerable and human? It will make your closer.

6)  TALK LESS, ASK MORE

Listen to them. Elicit information. Great parenting is a function of being a great listener.

7) ATTRIBUTE KID’S BEHAVIOR TO THE BEST POSSIBLE MOTIVE

You don’t need to think they did something nice because they were trying to manipulate you or to get something. Think the best of your kid.

8)  GIVE KIDS MORE SAY, LET THEM MAKE MORE CHOICES.

And he means real choices. Not: “Do you want a red cup or a blue one?”

OKAY MY WORLD IS ROCKED. I’M OVERWHELMED, NOW WHAT?

A mother who had clearly been deeply affected by Kohn’s talk said, “My child is older. I’ve made mistakes! Where do I start?”

Kohn answered by saying that he’d just be honest.

“Honey, I went to hear a parenting expert talk last night and I realized that so many of the things that I’ve been doing that I thought were helping you, actually aren’t. I have a new perspective. Over time, I’d like to talk to you about these things. I’d like to hear your point of view. I want to work with you.”

Starting an authentic dialogue is important. And apologizing for mistreating your child is too.

There are so many ways I can imagine to help oneself become a Work With parent. Certainly it is a challenge. But I’ve found that with practice it does get easier (though I wouldn’t say easy!). Here are some ideas -

- Go directly to alfiekohn.com.

- Take a parenting class from Echo Parenting & Education

- Bring the film Race to Nowhere to your community.

- Print Kohn’s 8 guidelines and put them on your refrigerator. Read daily.

- Create your own support group of like-mindedish parents and bring in material to discuss weekly. Places to start gathering material:

- alfiekohn.com

- rickackerly.com

- goodjobandotherthings.com

- ahaparenting.com

I know I’ve left out so much. If you went to the talks, please share!

No, you shouldn’t. Yes, you should.

I’m not the first to suggest that the holiday season might produce, for some people, a teeny weeny little bit of stress. Shopping, cooking, eating, parties, activities, crowds, school vacations, financial stress, etc. Fortunately, this time of year also presents many opportunities to get together with family. Yay! Family! That’ll be so very soothing for any holiday stress.

Family. You know. Bonding and stuff.

*sigh*

The truth of the matter is that it isn’t always easy to gather with family, and it makes sense that along with the joys that come with celebrations, we may also feel a sense of trepidation as we get nearer to winter break. Year after year, we hear from our participants about significant stress related to spending time with relatives. Our families have our whole history embedded in them, and as much as they may hold fond memories, love, and a place for various kinds of support, they may also hold a history of conflict and complexity.

When we get together with our families of origin, we often fall into old patterns from when we were much younger. Have you felt yourself pulled back into an old role that no longer reflects who you are? Does tension arise? Arguments? Discomfort? Do you like who you are when you’re with your family of origin?

This holiday season, I invite you to try to observe yourself. Notice if you are drawn toward an old pattern of behavior. Pay attention to your feelings. Are you responding to actual things occurring in the moment, or are you re-stimulated into an old feeling?

Compounding all of this for many who are reading this article is the fact that they have decided to see the complex act of raising their own children through the lens of nonviolence. Let me just translate that for folks at the family holiday party: these people are wackos who don’t punish or reward their children. What, do they think they’re better than us?

Perhaps that’s an exaggeration. But I think it’s safe to say that for some parents, their family of origin may be confused or upset by the nonviolent parenting they observe at a family gathering. Judgements may arise. Grandparents, siblings and others may feel guilt or frustration about the way they parented when they were younger. Everyone can get defensive in such a moment. It’s hard to stay in a nonjudgemental place.

Can we relieve holiday stress by shopping less, getting rest, and limiting activities? Yes, probably. There are lots of ways that we can take better care of ourselves. We can acknowledge that stress happens and we can make good preparations for the conflict and tension that may arise at family gatherings.

How we survive stressful situations comes back to the basic tools. Slow down, breathe, get regulated. Make observations that are free of judgement. Stay curious. Be kind.

Happy holidays. May they be full of ease and peace.

-Brian Joseph,
Director of Programming

Most people stop looking when they find the proverbial needle in the haystack. I would continue looking to see if there were other needles.

-Albert Einstein

Today my five year old son wanted chocolate for breakfast. If I had given it to him, I’ll admit that it wouldn’t have been the first time. But we’ve had lots of that kind of stuff over the holiday and I really wanted to get his day started with a bit of nutrition. Not only that, the chocolate in question was not accessible, and would require waking our houseguest. The answer was no.

He came unglued.

I know that’s not the Echo Parenting & Education way to say it. He was overwhelmed, dysregulated, flooded with big feelings, etc. But it sure felt like “unglued.” Whatever flimsy adhesive that ordinarily holds him loosely together came unstuck, and all of his parts fell off. There he was on the floor in a confusing heap of howling wires and bolts, and I set about trying to put him back together.

Not wanting to become a dead cat, I did not risk being curious.

I appealed to his reason, and explained why I wasn’t giving it to him. His screaming got louder and a few more parts of his engine popped off.

I tried to give him empathy about the delicious, mouth-watering wonderfulness that he wasn’t going to be allowed to eat. Louder still. Impressively loud. I wondered if the neighbors were listening.

By now, it was past time to take him and his brother to school. I was feeling frustrated and helpless, and my own tired fragile glue did not seem particularly sticky. In fact, I was beginning to lose patience. Chocolate for breakfast? No way, dude. I was right and I knew it. Darn kids. Do you have to be so loud?! I struggled to get him into the car, and finally managed. He continued to scream. His brother tried to comfort him, but to no avail. On the freeway, he took off his seat belt. We pulled over.

Not wanting to yell at him, I got out of the car, and sat for a minute on the curb. There I was, so-called parenting “expert” sitting in the gutter, upset and defeated, fuming, with a screaming child in the car. And then it happened. Finally, long after I wish I had done it, I became curious. What in the world was going on?

Before I relate the rest of the story, I just want to say that the single little moment of curiosity that occurred was an epiphany. It was actually the solution. It didn’t solve anything, but it changed my whole outlook on the world. Being curious about any difficult situation is key to the Echo Approach. It’s not just about parenting young children, it applies to any situation with teens, spouses, co-workers, anyone. Slowing myself down and just trying to authentically wonder about why something is occurring, without judgement, is very often enough to get me through a hard moment.

I began with self-empathy. Wow. This sucks. I can’t believe this is happening. It would be so much easier if I just had a little help…

That was a jolt. Of course! My partner is out of town, and I’ve been on my own with the boys for several days. I couldn’t believe that I hadn’t even thought about it until that moment! That led me quickly to curiosity about why this breakfast thing was so hard for my son. It’s not about the chocolate. Of course it’s not! No wonder his big feelings seemed so out of proportion! Mommy isn’t here. Things are really different than usual. I was ready to let him know that I had remembered that, but when I opened the door of the car, he just collapsed, sobbing into my arms.

We spent about two minutes there by the side of the road just hugging and calming down. I stopped trying to change his mind and take away his feelings. When he was quieter, I murmured to him that it’s hard when mommy’s not home. That started him crying again, but in a quieter way. He burrowed into my chest.

We got to school a few minutes late. Not such a big deal in the grand scheme of things. He didn’t want me to leave. I took a bit of extra time saying goodbye. Later, I’ll pick him up from school and maybe we’ll have some chocolate, maybe not. But I’ll take the time to be curious not only about the events of his day, but about the underlying circumstances of his week. I’ll remind myself about the illnesses we’ve had lately, and whether or not we’ve had good snacks and sleep. Maybe it’s not just about mommy being gone. Maybe I won’t figure everything out.

Curiosity isn’t just about trying to relieve my own uncertainty about something, or trying to eliminate my ignorance. I’ll stay curious because it gives me the chance to see the world through his eyes and connect with him. It doesn’t mean that I’ll go along with all of his ideas, it doesn’t mean I’ll agree with him. As Todd Kashdan says in his book, Curious? Discover the Missing Ingredient to a Fulfilling Life, “…curiosity offers a gateway to creating profound intimacy, insights, and meaning in life.” I agree, and when it comes to the people I love, I really don’t want to miss out.

I’m curious about your thoughts, as always. Feel free to chime in on Facebook or respond to this article here.

Yours,

Brian Joseph,
Director of Programming

If you were at the party on Saturday Night, these photos of you look great! If you weren’t there, click and have a vicarious experience of the warm, wonderful event. In the spirit of the season, I’d like to express many thanks to all who attended, bought raffle tickets, volunteered, danced their butts off to DJ Señor Amor, ate and drank, and enjoyed. It was a truly a very special evening. Thanks also to the Echo Parenting & Education Board and Staff members for all that you contributed.

Special thanks are due to a handful of folks. Our generous sponsors who made it possible for us to have the event were Christopher Wilcox and Natural Curiosities, Chef Jennifer Aldridge and Chop Shop Gourmet, Silverlake Wine, 55 Degree Wine, Say Cheese, Village Bakery, Proof Bakery, Cake Pops, Dean & Deanne Dimascio and Impact Production, Mari and Robert Saso and Dupli-Cat Printing, Modern Bite, Kim Pesenti, Ginny Glass, and Eric Garcetti and the staff of the 13th Council District. Thank you all so much for your incredible kindness! Please click their links and support their businesses! We also are so grateful to Jackie Goldberg and Amy Brenneman for fulfilling the emcee duties. They were both so charming and gracious, and they really made the evening feel great. Much gratitude as well goes to the committee who put the event together. This party would not have happened without the hard work of Ginny Glass, Francine Lipsman-Tansey, Isabel Guzman, and Kim Pesenti. Thank you thank you thank you!

This event marked the inauguration of our Echo Parenting & Education Honors. We were privileged to present the first ever Transformational Honor to High School teacher Travis Miller, and the first Visionary Honor to Lynn Kersey of Maternal and Child Health Access. We couldn’t have had more perfect honorees! Travis’ commitment to using the Echo approach in the classroom has shown such dedication his students. His fervent advocacy for teachers is notable as well. And Lynn’s tireless work for women and children is so inspiring. As founder and Executive Director of Maternal and Child Health Access, Lynn has had an impact on so many families, helping them to get the support that is so critical to mothers and children at the beginning of life. Congratulations to Lynn and Travis, and thank you to both for your inspiring work!

If you couldn’t make it to the party, it’s not too late to participate. We can’t do it without you, and every donation makes a difference.

So. I’ve given lots of thanks here, and as President John F. Kennedy said “the highest appreciation is not to just utter words, but to live by them.” I invite you to take out a pen, and spend just a little time to composing a few words of gratitude that you can really live by. Put it up on your refrigerator. If you feel like it, post it up on our FB page. Here are a few of my appreciations.

Thanks to my children, who teach me that every challenging moment is an opportunity for me to model the kind of values I hope to pass along to them. I am so grateful for all the enriching interactions, though many of them were hard.

Thanks to my partner, not for parenting the same as I do, but for parenting together with me.

Thanks for the hardships that led to personal growth and learning. The mistakes, failures and losses made room in my life for important events that I never planned.

Thanks for the tears of sadness and joy. Thanks for the laughter. Thanks for the anger and fear. Thanks for all of the feelings that I was privileged to hear and see expressed. It made my relationships stronger. It helped us all to develop our brains.

And finally, I’d like to appreciate you. Thanks for reading this. Thanks for choosing the tools of nonviolence. Thank you for modeling kindness and generosity in your families and in your communities. Thank you for participating in the work that we do at Echo Parenting & Education.

Gratefully yours,

-Brian Joseph,

Director of Programming